I Was Wrong

Last month, I wrote:

I’ve been plodding along, feeling like something was missing. Worse, my need for goals was causing me to sabotage my new romantic relationship. I kept ‘breaking’ things, or taking small problems and blowing them up, so that I could fix them again. This was my epiphany during that meditation, and I decided to do something about it.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. I’d been attempting to break my relationship not because of a lack of goals, but because it needed to end. But each time, the pain would silence that little voice telling me things weren’t right, and then the joy of reconciliation would silence it, and then once things were ticking along, the voice would resurface, telling me this person isn’t the one, you won’t work well together long-term, things will become very ugly, and you need to end this now.

It wasn’t a lack of goals speaking – it was my intuition. And I’d been ignoring it for months. (The reasons why are a whole other post.)

Third time’s the charm.

It hurts. I miss him, miss what we had, but it’s for the best.

This is all probably part of the Tower I drew a couple of weeks ago. In fact, this probably is the Tower. Not getting the house was just the lead-in.

However, I was right about needing goals and projects. I’m still working on learning the tarot, and now I’ll have more time for it, and other witchy things.

I just need to cry for a bit first.

My Tower Moment

Last Friday, for my daily card, I drew the Tower. Fuck me – what’s today going to bring? I proceeded to run through all the possibilities: my partner was leaving me for someone with 3 tiddies; I’d come home to find my cats had hanged themselves because I don’t give them the exact number of pets they want every day (if only they’d tell me how many!); my job was being given to a proofreading software program that doesn’t know the difference between ‘continuous’ and ‘continual’; or something really bad – the price of the waffle maker I had my eye on would increase before I had a chance to place my Amazon order.

Seriously, though, I was waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

But nothing happened. My partner is still happy with my two tiddies; my cats are still screaming at me for more and more pets; my boss still lets me work where I work; and even though the price of the waffle maker did go up, I could just about afford it. (It arrives this Friday.) My mother even had a CAT scan that day – all went well.

The weekend came and my partner and I spent a lovely weekend together, discussing the prospect of living together and the house we’d put a bid on, where the littler box and waffle maker would go, how great my tiddies are, and still no Tower moment.

Then Monday rolled around.

The house – the house we’d been hoping to buy, had put a bid on…the funding fell through. (We weren’t going for a mortgage – long story.)

Needless to say, we were both gutted.

And even though I drew the Tower on Friday, and didn’t receive that news until Monday, I’m sure this is what the Tower was signifying, because as I was shuffling, even though I was asking the cards what I could expect for that day, I was thinking about that house.

What I’ve learned from this is to really pay attention to what you’re thinking about while you shuffle, what’s under the surface of the words you’re forming in your mind. You may be asking the cards one thing and ‘saying’ it in your mind, but if other thoughts are there, those could dominate the reading.

The next day, I drew the 5 of Cups. Of course.

As disappointed as I am, I know that there are other options for us, and it may all turn out better. The house we had our eye on was a little small for our needs, and even though we’re going to have to continue renting, we’ll be able to look for something a bit bigger, we’ll still save money, and we’ll be together. I’m looking at those 2 cups, which are right in front of me, and just hoping my fucking cats don’t trip me as I reach for them.

Daily Card: King of Pentacles

I’ve started pulling a tarot card each morning. I ask the simple question ‘What do I need to know about today?’ On the second day, I pulled the King of Pentacles. (My favourite deck calls them ‘coins’.)

I really wasn’t sure what this card was telling me, and to be honest, I wasn’t in a great place mentally. I’d been feeling fed up and burnt out with work for quite some time, to the point where it was a struggle not to hop on my broom and fly away some days. From about 3:00 I’d be clock-watching until the blessed 5:30 rolled around, and was getting very little work done during that last stretch of the day.

That evening, feeling the lowest I’d felt in some time, I sat with the card and my sheet to record the reading, but just gave up after a few minutes. I was tearful and frustrated, and annoyed that this card was showing up and not making its intentions clear. (Goddamn tarot and its mysterious tarot ways!)

The next morning, I shuffled the cards and drew a new one. You know what I’m going to say, don’t you? I drew that fucking King of Pentacles again. 78 cards and I managed to draw the very same one. FML.

I had a read of the meaning in Brigit’s The Ultimate Guide to Tarot Card Meanings, and something jumped out at me. The King of Pentacles often represents a manager, one who is caring and fatherly. (I would never have gotten that meaning on my own…reason #3,837 I make use of tarot books and not my own stumpy, malnourished intuition.)

My manager, although he’s not even 30 yet, is exactly that. He’s the kind of person I can come to with just about anything.

Why the holy hell hadn’t I thought of it sooner? Instead of being a miserable, whiny bitch, I needed to do something about my situation, and speak to the one person who could actually help me.

Which I did, and things have improved tremendously since then. And it was beneficial all round, because my manager had been worried I was going to quit, and he really didn’t want me to go. That was also nice to hear.

This was a classic moment of the tarot providing guidance and helping the seeker to see the answer, the answer that they already have within, just waiting to be noticed.

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s card will be.

The Obligatory First Post, or: Why I’m Doing This Shit (the Fool)

The super-cliché path photo, venturing into the unknown.

I was doing a Journey with the Fool meditation, and I had an epiphany (which was great, because usually during meditations I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat when it’s over).

What I realised it that I need to have a goal (or goals), or a project of some sort. I’ve always set goals and had several projects on the go, but for the past year or so, I haven’t. Why?

Well, the biggest, longest-running goal I had was to leave a very long, unhappy marriage.
It took me several years to figure out the best way to do that — I was a stay-at-home mum, had never had a job in the UK, and didn’t have a degree. When my son was 2, I became a student nurse, but it wasn’t for me. I later set up a soap-making business, which was fun, but unprofitable. Eventually, I enrolled with the Open University and spent 5 years getting my degree (First Class! Almost quit eleventy times before I did it, though!) in Humanities with a specialism in creative writing. I also took a proofreading course and started doing freelance work, which was profitable, but I knew it would take years to make enough to support myself, and even then, the income from freelancing can be unreliable.

So, I got a full-time, 8:30 to 5:30 job as a copywriter/proofreader in company sales. It’s corporate. It’s often fucking awful not fun. But it allowed me to get out of my unhappy situation. A few months after starting work, I rented a house and left.

That was a huge goal to accomplish. I went from zero job prospects to earning enough to support myself with a smidge left over each month. I got a house, furniture, and appliances. I learned to pay for utilities and bleed the radiators. I’d never lived on my own. Nearly 40 years old, and I’d never had to deal with council tax.

Once I left, I was so busy with work and new friends and adulting that I stopped doing a lot of the things that made me me, and I stopped setting goals.

I had (have) loads of hobbies: reading, writing, drawing, painting, sewing, knitting, crochet…and shortly before leaving, I’d gotten into tarot and the occult, which has always attracted me, but I couldn’t pursue it, because my spouse was deeply religious (and controlling af). Towards the end of our marriage, I bought a pack of tarot cards, some crystals, and books, but I had to hide them. (You can imagine how excited and free I felt when I left and was able to have everything out in the open, pentacles blazing.)

I’ve been plodding along, feeling like something was missing. Worse, my need for goals was causing me to sabotage my new romantic relationship. I kept ‘breaking’ things, or taking small problems and blowing them up, so that I could fix them again. This was my epiphany during that meditation, and I decided to do something about it.

The idea of setting money- or career-oriented goals didn’t appeal. But what did appeal was developing a spiritual practice and setting learning goals. It’s more of an ongoing, lifelong project, or setting upon a path (hence the trite photo), but that works. So far, the only tangible goal I have is:

Learn a new tarot card each week.

(I’ll talk about how I’m going about this in another post — one with more pictures.)

Yes, that means it will take me 78 weeks to ‘learn’ the cards (and I know you never stop learning about the cards), but it’s a realistic goal.

I’m also going to blog about my experiences, ruminations, and insights, because it helps me to organise my thoughts and strengthen my learning. Not saying it’ll be interesting to read, but whatever. You can read it or not; I don’t really care. I mean, I do, but like, I’m going to pretend I don’t.